The “Pretty Good” Life

It all started when I was told to just enjoy the journey. And this should be easy enough considering I have a “pretty good” life. So I sat down and I thought about it and I thought about it some more and I finally saw the problem. I often determine the enjoyment of my “life moments” by their relationship to a “before moment” or an “after moment.” And since, so far, my life has been “pretty good,” I measure all of my “life moments” up to this “pretty good” standard. This makes it almost impossible to just enjoy the journey. I enjoy the moments that are greater than or equal to “pretty good,” but I don’t enjoy the moments that are less than “pretty good.” So I enjoy about half the journey. I have to figure out a way to let each moment exist independently of any “before moment” or any “after moment.” And then, without letting them touch, I must cram all these independent moments inside this greater time-space phenomenal which I call life. Is this even possible? Maybe in a world where moments are miracles. Luckily, I believe in a God of miracles…so this I my prayer, “Lord, take my time-my space- my days -my nights…wrap them in your love, shine them with your light, and sprinkle them with your scent….mix everything together and then turn it into little miracle moments.”

The Journey

So I know that lent technically started last Wednesday, but I will begin my 40 days and 40 nights fast tomorrow. I decided that I wanted to be focused and so I started to write a list of the things I would focus on doing or not doing over the next 6 weeks. The list looked something like this:

My 40 days and 40 nights
No more Facebook
TV only 3 days per week
Vegan Diet/No sugar
Study.Love.Learn.Grow.Give.Write.Read.
Be a better friend
Deep clean your house
Taxes
*Just exist with God…and focus on enjoying the journey. Live.*

I was listening to worship music and writing this list when suddenly everything started to go downhill. That’s how I knew I was headed in the right direction. Within 20 minutes a friend of mine called and told me she couldn’t forgive me for something I had thought was just another insignificant conflict that had already been resolved. Then my boss emailed me with an assignment that had to be taken care of first thing in the morning. This was a problem given I had lost my Secure ID for logging on at home and I had the flooring guy coming over at 8 am to show me floor samples (that’s a whole nother story in itself). So I decided to read my bible, and you’ll never believe this, but the light bulb in my reading lamp blew out. WOW. The devil seriously doesn’t want me to get close to God. Now I’m not one of those people who get fired up by opposition. When I make the decision that I’m going to do something…I’m already fired up…I’m ready to give it 110%…there’s no room to get MORE fired up. So really, opposition just annoys me. Needless to say the devil is annoying. I realized that THIS situation…this moment…right here…WAS part of the journey and so I decided to write about it. And guess what…I enjoyed it. Goodnight.

My so called hope…

I saw a piece of my heart today and it was HARD-2-SEE. It’s like you know there’s bad stuff in there, but it’s still overwhelmingly appalling when you see it for yourself. You see lately I’ve been using the word “hope” a lot in my conversations with God. “I hope for this, God”…”I hope for that, God,”…”look at me God I’m hoping for stuff”…”I have hooooooope!” Well, last night I came home and casually mentioned to God that it seems like every day I have new hope and most days I come home disappointed. I can’t remember exactly what I said next, but it was something along the lines of asking Him to help me wrap my heart around all this “hoping” business. Within minutes He gently placed these words in my heart, “My precious child, it is a thin line you are standing on. On one side you stand with hope and faith and on the other side you stand boldly believing me for what I MUST do for you. These two are easily confused, but the difference is that the former has everything to do with me and latter…it has everything to do with you.”

“… hope will never disappoint us, because God has poured out his love to fill our hearts.” Romans 5:5.

Slave or Free

I finally understand what it means to be a slave to sin. I once thought it meant that you couldn’t stop sinning, but then I realized that none of us can “stop sinning.” Being a slave to sin means that sin itself is what provokes you to do OR not do whatever it is you’re thinking about doing. When you are a slave to sin your decisions are made by weighing the guilt associated with the action you are considering. The action may not even necessarily be “sinful”, but when you are a slave this mentality becomes your way of life…you see everything this way. Everything you do either makes you guilty or righteous. Whether it be betraying a friend or eating an extra bite of cake….Guilt. Reading your bible or doing community service…righteousness. You create your own system or measuring your “goodness” and it will torture you because you can never win in this system… I know this because I have lived in this system. You will never be “good”…you will only be guilty until you allow Jesus Christ to make you righteous. He is the only one. No amount of passing up cake or community service can make you righteous…only the son. And it is done. “Sin is no longer your master, for you no longer live under the requirements of the law. Instead, you live under the freedom of God’s grace.” – Romans 6:14

Real Life…

There are situations that occur in life, common life events…tragedies…triumphs…that come with this preconceived idea about how you are suppose to feel about that particular life event. They also come with this idea about how you are suppose to think and what you are suppose to do. I’ve found that in these situations, none of these preconceived ideas of how I am supposed to feel and think and act truly manifest in my heart. So now I sit here in the middle of one of “those” life circumstances not really knowing what to think…or feel …or do…so this is my prayer…”Lord you know how I feel, where I’m going, and my thoughts inside…please comfort my heart, lay out my steps, and settle my mind.”

Those “things”…

I sometimes find myself feeling “good” or “better than” because of the things I have or the things I can do. These feelings have made me intensely aware of the constant battle between my flesh and my spirit for my identity. My flesh would have me believe my identity lies inside these things that I have and these things that I do. My spirit tells me my identity lies inside the One who lives inside of me. When I believe my flesh, I unintentionally make these “things” my God. I worship them because they feed my sense of self-worth. I hold them tightly because they define me…implying that without them I am nothing. When I believe my spirit, I worship the One who lives inside of me, I am fed with the bread of life, He defines me as royalty, and He is not temporary…He is forever. So this is my prayer, “Lord, show me how to redefine my relationship with the things I have and the things I do…and if necessary take them away from me because I only want to be defined by You.”

The Left-Legged Life

Feeling unloved is like living your whole life using only your left leg. Something…somewhere… someone makes you think that you don’t have a right leg. You can tell something is missing, but you can’t quite put your finger on it? Plus you’ve only ever known this left-legged life, so you manage the best you can. You search high and low, often finding arms or feet and trying to turn them into a right leg, but this never works. Then you go on this journey with God and he shows you that you’ve always had a right leg…He gave you two legs to begin with. In fact, He gives everyone right legs. It takes some convincing…but when you finally start using your right leg you realize that the “something” that was missing was there all along. It becomes so much easier to walk through your life-journey because now you are using two legs…before you were just hopping along. So this is my prayer, “Lord, shine down on us your light so we can see clearly our left leg and our right.”

Husbands, Dates, and Wheels…

Sometimes I crave to spend time with my husband whom God has not presented to me yet. On these days I usually go to dinner and a movie…just me and God…me and God…me and God…alone. I love our quite time at home, but something special happens when we decide to go out and spend some time doing, seeing, eating, laughing…just me and God…me and God…me and God…alone. He’s always the Lord of my life, but on these special nights it’s His friendship that shines so bright…He makes me feel like I’m the only one in His life. I love our date nights and I often wonder if on our future date nights…when he presents me my future husband…if this future man will feel like a third wheel

Feathery Words

Sometimes I feel like the “good job” I get from people who hear my poetry comes with a side of pity, smothered in “please don’t beat me with your bible,” and topped off with “I hope this lady doesn’t lose it ’cause she obviously has issues.” Other times I get the “good job” that’s garnished with “thank you for sharing” and drizzled with “I thought I was the only one who felt that way.” The latter being the “good job” I live for…it comes from the essence of a soul that has been lightly brushed by these spoken words that God has so carefully written on my heart. So this is my prayer… “Lord may my words…your words be like feathers that tickle the souls of those who hear.”

Writing…Reading…

Sometimes I don’t want to read aloud the poems that God has written on my heart. Sometimes I just want to keep them as my special little God-secrets….like an inside joke between best friends. I often read in bars or clubs and while most people’s hearts are open, there’s always this little voice inside me saying… “They aren’t going to like you and they aren’t going to like your poetry because…” As much as I hate to admit it, I’m sometimes scared to talk about God in those places. I realize now that my fear mostly has to do with my desire to be accepted and so I have to consciously make the decision to feel the fear…and do it anyway. God did not give us gifts so we could hide them inside our big boxes of insecurities. The Message Translation says it perfectly…”God doesn’t want us to be shy with his gifts, but bold and loving and sensible.” 2 Tim 1:7